I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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