Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We got so high we made milksteak
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wear drunk well.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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