Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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