Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
