I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
