I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
