stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
