but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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