I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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