Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
