just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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