meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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