On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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