Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
