i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
