I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
