I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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