So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
