that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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