she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Come on in and take your pants off
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