guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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