Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
