I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
