Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
