I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
