She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
