I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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