I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
