i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
