I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
