why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
