I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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