I only kidnapped one of them. chill
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
