hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
