I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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