Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
