We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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