Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
