apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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