Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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