Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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