So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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