She said her name was "party"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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