you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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