a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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