Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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