You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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