I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
