she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
