i wish my penis had a tongue
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
